Thursday, September 25, 2014

The fear I feared

its been 5 days now since I accepted the fact that I failed my CLP. I'm truly grateful ( and could not help but feel amused at times) at everyone who tried to cheer me up.I was amused as some of them were awkward or not good at things like that but I can see that despite that they still try and make an effort to make me laugh and not be so closed minded about seeing failure as a bad thing. So for that I am truly thankful and appreciate everyone who comforted it.

After seeing the results and after my brain has processed the fact that I did not pass the exam ( failed 2/5 papers BUT i gotta re sit ALL 5 now ) .. My initial reaction was just to stare at the computer screen. It took me for a while to cry. And I cried a little for the first time,it somehow felt that I have not fully released all the shock and sadness that  had happened.

And so,for almost the whole day ( say from 10am-5pm or so) I've been crying on and off with the help of Grey's Anatomy.. Prior to the day result came out,i downloaded this old movie called I Am Sam. As this was one of the saddest movie I've ever seen in my memory. And so I decided to watch it at night to fully complete my grieving process. TO me surprise,I didn't cry that much. I cried like crazy when I watched Grey's and some sad korean movies and what not.. But somehow,I didnt cry as much as I thought I would when I watched I Am Sam after 10 years or so since I first watched it. So yeah.

After the fact had kinda sunk into me,I tell myself that I am only gonna grief and wallow in the pits of self pity for 24 hours and that I did... I felt better the next day though the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was : Dude, you failed CLP . And the there's the slow realization that I gotta study and memorize everything again. Though this maybe easier this time around,but still the dread of having to see all those books again.. *sigh*

You may think that I am an arrogant bitch here,but I've never really experienced failure like this before.So,my honest feelings of this is that I feel humiliated. And I can't help compare with some other people who also sat for the  exams. Thoughts like " I surely attend a lot more classes and work harder than they did,etc' came to my mind... And also I felt that I disappointed my parents and my family in a way though they told me it's ok.. But maybe deep down, the one that I've disappointed the most is myself.. I do have high expectations for myself because I know I am my own worst enemy.

I am feeling fine now really.But to be honest,there is an occasional feeling of bitterness and emoness you know.And this quote came to my mind :

        '' You never get over it.But you get to where it doesn't bother you so much'' Jeffery Eugenides,The Virgin Suicides

p/s : i dont know about heartbreak,but failing something that you want and hope so bad sucks big time and i can't help thinking to myself in between tears,that whoever said heartbreak may seem that your world and everything comes crashing down clearly have not experience failing to get something they desire to achieve. ( but this may just be for me. hah!)

p/p/s: please note that some days i might be all fine and happy and some days i maybe just a super emo person.

-with lots of love,peace out.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

i need a moment.

helo again.. i actually have some posts which i intent to post before this,but decided that i wanna edit some of it. So i shalll just give a current updates of what's happening now first.

THE BIGGEST CONCERN AND THING THAT I AM STRESSED OUT FOR THE PAST 9 MONTHS OR SO (IN A WAY) HAS COME TO AN END . i failed my CLP. Yeah. I'm in shock. Not to say that I'm confident that I'll pass.But truth be told, there is a slight flicker of hope you know.(?)

Results came out about an hour ago.I didnt know that I could check my personal result already, I thought one can only check by viewing the list of person who has passed the exam and so i checked the list first. My heart dropped when i did not see my name there while i saw the names of my friends there. Looks like the fear that i feared came true.

To be honest,I'm not utterly sad over the fact that i failed,I dont know.There's so much mixture of emotions now that i feel numb with the occasional involuntary flow of tears.Though, I mean I did honestly prepare myself for that as in I didnt know what to expect the night before the results were out.But its just that,now when reality hits,I think about the people I've disappointed and that the fear I've feared before.-facing people.

It's been a long time since I've experienced this kinda of failure not that I am fond of experiencing it nor do I always experience it.How do i put it,I guess this is one of the lowest point in my life that I've experienced so far,you know?

I know there is no one to be blamed but for myself. I let my nerves overtake me during the exams,and i forgot a lot of things,I studied hard but maybe not smart enough. The slow realization that I have to study all 5 subjects again and the fear of what if I dont pass the second time around is slowly creeping into my mind and makes me feel terrified and this sudden grip of fear and panic takes over my heart. I think I am thinking too many thing at once now.

But,I know this is not the end.I will not give up.This is just a slight diversion of plan A,and I will proceed with a plan B. I need sometime to reorganize my though and give myself a moment to grief and self pity myself.And then I need to get back on my feet again though I know that from time to time,I will emo and go back to self pity mode,please bear with me if i do so people,and if i'm going overboard,please feel free to put me back in my place.

I am thankful and very grateful for all the support and help that was given to be through the course and hence I will not give up and try to stay strong and preserve on.
-with lots of love,peace out0

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Suffocation as if time's running out

Longing for a trip or to attend a concert.But sometimes we just don't get what we want right? I dont know.

Just woke up feeling suffocted with boredom and an urge to travel etcetera.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Current thoughts

Can I just buy a plane ticket and go to the places I wanna go? Why? Because it seems everyone has their own timing and its at times so hard to match up with each other,and i somewhat feel a mixture of impatientness and feeling that time is running out for me? *sigh*

I am trying hard but its hard to accept that everything dont go as how you dream and want in life at times.  ( minus the fact that you are trying and the realization that everything is easier said than done) but i just gave this pent up (?) frustration,longing, and enviness of watching people being able to just get out and escape at times making it seems that they are doing so without giving much thought and worry about it.

I'm thinking about the life i want and figuring out ways to achieve them.Cant help thinking about what ifs and will people thinking i am too childish in my thoughts  or that i am too much of  a dreamer or just a foolish,selfish person?  Or am i just angry and frustrated with myself? For not making things happen? maybe i am. Maybe thats what my inner self iis telling myself.

know i should take things one step at a time,but its just,i dont know..urghhh,i need to reorganize my thoughts i guess. i guess i should take up an advice a person gave me that when he has troubles,he just goes to bed and sleep and try not to think too much of it.

I dont know.late night emoness when you have PMS sucks big time. Especially me who gets very very moody when its that time of the month for me.

-peace out-
I am finally done with exams.Just like that,9 months have passed by just like that.How did I do in my exams this time around? To be very honest,I  not sure.I dont think I did well. i dont know if it was the nerves and stress or i just did not prepare myself enough. At the end of my final paper,I just tell myself that I know I could have done better. that's all that i could think of.

So i am preparing myself for the very worst and another alternative.
So fogers crossed that i dont have to choose the alternative road for after fonishing my exams,to have to go through it all over again-the workload,the stress,the embarrassement,the disappoient and frustration is just plain torture. so,may the force be with me.

Other than that,happy holidays everyone!

-with lots of love,peace out-

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Tomorrow is the day where i am sitting for my exams for the next 10 days or so.. it all comes to this.the final one.

How am i feeling now? Its more or less how i felt when inwas about to sit for juris paper except that this might be slightly worse cause you may know what the answer is here but cannot recall where is the answer located. for juris,its all based on your own opinion and stuff.

I am scared of what i dont know is fatal and will what i know be enough?

This overwhelming feeling resulted in me breaking down in the shower just now.I just couldnt help it.

And then i realized, way to go CLP exams, for you just broke me on another level that I have not experienced before in my life..

May the forxe be with me to just be able to get theough these 10 days.I foresee there might be tears before (it just happened) , during and after the exams.

This would certainly be one of the challenges that I am facing so far in my life. may everything that i need to get through this be with me. mentally,phycially,and spiritually.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I fear

it's been soetime now again that i wrote here.Have seriously been busy with studies and a little bit of hanging out and watching some shows to have some winding down time and attending classes.that's about all i've been doing these days.

Classes officially ended last week. I have mixed feelings as to this this time around.After studying in the same place for the past 5 years or so,so many changes have occurred.The surrounding environment, the people that I've come to know and what not. I hope though that I wont have to go back for the purposes of having to re-take my CLP exams.

The stress that I am undergoing this year for the CLP exams are truly on a whole another level compared to my UOL days. I try to convince myself from experience that I can handle it. But lo and behold,I just find myself crying one day while hearing songs to take a short break from studying. Even I was surprised.Last time I use to feel the need to release stress (by crying of course) by watching sad movies to make me cry.Nowadays,I just need a song or maybe just having a moment of silence I could cry like that.So, yeah, dont even get me started on having the feeling to want to vomit from time to time. (that's due to stress.I am not sick in any way)

I tell myself that I shall give my very best for this exam,with the hope to get through it for the first sitting itself.But in the event that I am not be able to get through,then well,I shall have no regrets and that life moves on.There's always another path that can be taken.

A part of me though,still can help being afraid.To be very honest and with no intention of wanting to brag whatsoever, I have got through all my law exams through the first sitting.I am very thankful for that. And so this time around-with a known fact that the failure rate for the CLP exams are so very high,I am afraid.Seriously scared. To put it in another way,I have not really experience failure for the past few years. And a part of me inside is scared and worried as to how will I handle it in the event it happens. Yes,I just saw that life moves on ,etc,etc above but then I have come to learn that things are easier said than done.Until you have really experienced it yourself,you'll never be able to feel,tell or describe that feeling. The fear of what people will think of me,the embarrassment , the thought of how my family maybe disappointed at me,the thought that they will say that I've not been studying seriously, the envious feeling of watching your friends get through and you did not. The shock feeling of how some people could get through (when you didnt really believe it that they could and you couldn't ) all these thoughts come to my mind.

I am not the smartest person out there,but there is a streak competitiveness and not wanting to lose to someone in me somewhere.Plus,some of my seniors whom went to the same high school with me and my sister's friend manage to get through it the first time around.So in that unexplainable feeling,I somehow feel the need to be able to get through this as well.Also,its the feeling that I've let my own self down,that I have no one to blame but myself that I did not get through this.

So yes,I fear.

I try to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if I dont get through.Maybe God has another plan for me.I can in a way experience life in different way which I might not thought might happen (?) I don't know.We will see how it goes. Let's focus on the positive and try to give my all while I still have sometime left .

-with lots of love ,peace out-