Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Considerations

I would say that since failing my CLP, and having a rough back up idea on what I would do in the event I failed my CLP, life on a daily basis have been interesting and challenging as when I have time to reflect at the end of the day as to what I've been doing for like the past 10 hours or so,I would ask myself this ques: when was the last time you did something for the first time. And i would find myself answering to this question on the new stuff that I was able to learn or get to know daily. Some of it might seem trivial or like something so basic, that everyone would be assumed to have known them, but for me there are a number of stuffs that I am thankful that I was able to have been exposed to.

I enjoy the work and the people that I work with most of them time. But of course there are down times too. And that day it got to a point where I was questioning myself,I am not even here for a pupillage, why I am putting myself through so much pressure when I still have other stuff that would be more of a priority than the work I am in now.. As in the main aim that I have this year is to pass my CLP. The side goal is to try and gain some experience at the legal industry whilst preparing for my CLP.  This is a hard balance but I choose to pick this road to see how it will go and to challenge myself.

I would say, I learn a lot of things. But maybe its cause I am currently feeling exhausted, fed up and unappreciated in the work I am in now that I feel like quitting as I am worried that I wouldnt have time to fully prepare myself for the exams.I don't want to go through the feeling of looking at my results and seeing that I failed for the second time and I need to go through the whole course syllabus again and not to mention delay my time for another 1 year to be able to qualify to be a lawyer.

I think I have told a lot of people this.I dont mind working hard and being committed to my job. I dont mind being on the borderline of a workaholic. But there is a maximum line to be drawn. I want to still have some chill time. TO be able to go home at the end of the day and watch some shows to unwind. TO be able to have my weekend to just be lazy and not do anything, to be able to meet up with my friends and family. Because I have friends and family and a social life outside my office. I dont wanna lose friends just because of work. So these thoughts came to my mind when I find myself just locking myself in the room over weekends working my ass off. 

I am of course taking my time to consider this properly. But another thought also prop up into my head just now. I remember my brother's advice on my initial dilemma on whether to work and study at the same time. He said well, you can give it a shot, and if you dont like it just quit. Why worry so much.. You are just trying it out. You still have time to build your career. It's not the end of the world. I was amazed by this simple thought when I hear what he has to say about my worries. True. Why be afraid and worry so much about what ifs and what not? As long as at the end of the day I am happy with what I do and have and do not regret the decision I made, it's gold.

We'll see how it goes.May the force be with me.

with lot's of love,peace out

Sunday, February 1, 2015

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Hello from the second month in for 2015. I'm currently living my life in ways I never thought I would and this new experience is very interesting. Work has been challenging,scary and pushing me to go out of my usual comfort zone.I feel the need to constantly improve and challenge myself. Why? I feel I am super blur and inexperience in so many things and some people just look like they really have got their shit together that it makes me feel very inept.

Also,of course I have thoughts like what if they feel that I am so bad that they dont want to confirm me once my probation period is finished? That would be so embarrassing I feel. =( I am learning also that when you dont know something,its better to ask and be humble rather than keep it to yourself and watch yourself die later on when things get really shitty.

Also,on 26.01.15 I set up a small stall for this charity bazaar.It started off with a conversation with the best friend on whether I would be interested in helping her out to sell stuff.And it then escalated to me making the friendship bracelets that I've learnt 2/3 years back and selling them to raise money for charity.At first I was a bit doubtful of this happening as I am afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to even make 10 bracelets. But after trying to spend any free time I have after work making these bracelets, I managed to make about 27 or so and sold almost all of them!!

I seriously never imagine that the first time I decided to learn how to make these bracelets,using a thread (benang) instead of those DMC strings ( as it was expensive and I dont wanna waste them) through youtube that a few years later,I would actually set up a stall ( even for a day) and sell them. Each bracelet were only of one colour and when each of them got sold,I was like, ahhh, I like that bracelet, and now I'm parting with it already.There is one bracelet that i actually made for myself, never really got about wearing it , and I decided to sell it and someone actually wanted to buy it.

There were also praises on how nice it is.I am really really honoured to receive such compliment and never thought that my skills of this would be really appreciated by a stranger.So,to everyone who bought those bracelets, I hope you wear them and get compliments on it too and I hope it is in good condition and that there isnt any part of it that came off after I sold it to you.Really,if it does,in no way do I intend it to happen. And in no way also I am selling it to cheat your money.

A funny experience from this charity event is that I met this indian uncle who apparently kinda can predict what you have been through in your life by feeling the energy/vibe you have around you.So he said that there is this guy whom I like but he turns out to be someone I did not expect him to be.And I was sad about it.Something along that line.TO which a certain someone came in my mind and to which I said,yes.It's kinda true.. But he pushed it too much by asking me,so the relationship was about 2 years,am I right? to which I just shook my head. Then he said : No? 6 months? to which I also just shook my head. Then he asked, so how long was the relationship? 3 months? 1 month? TO which my not so pleased reply to him after being pressed on how did my "relationship" last was : It never started or happened at all. That kinda took that uncle by surprised and he just shut his mouth up.And he said, aww ,now why do you look so sad? to which my reply was : I'm not.I'm just feeling.... tired. ( at which in the inside of my head was : do i need to smile and be all happy about my non-existent relationship or something?)

Also,my partner randomly asked all the new joiners in the firm for lunch last week.Only me and another associate were free that day.It was truly an unexpected and interesting lunch.Also, by working in this firm,I get to see how everyone ( newbies and chambies) try to make sell themselves and make themselves stand out. I learn how to socialise with people and be less awkward. It's a totally new ball game.A truly good experience really.

The CLP exam timetable just came out last Friday.Its happening much later this year than I was expecting it to be.I see it as a blessing in disguise for giving me more time to prepare and ace this exam!!! RAWRR. I need to make it this time around.To not be able to do so will be so heartbreaking and de-motivating really.Not to mention embarrassing and questioning my intelligence to this.

So,that's about it really.Ohh,and the sister left for Poland one the 2nd of January itself.So,I think for the first time,its like I am living my life independently somehow. Especially so as I am staying at her room in KL without her being there!

Let's hope there are better things to come this year!

p/s: I do very often ask myself this question at the end of the day,after work or so : When was the last time you did something for the first time? And you will actually be amazed when you think of the answer to this question. I feel this is a very good and meaningful question to ask yourself at then end of the day to see how have you been living your life so far.I stumbled upon this question when I was reading an interview done with this one photographer whom I like called Christoph Schaller. love his instragram feed and the ay he dresses himself =)  Go ahead,ask yourself this question from time to time too and be amazed with the answer your brain and heart comes out with.

-with lots of love,peace out-

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A toast !

It's the dawn of another new year again people. How are you feeling? Technically, life goes on pretty much the same. It's only the date and year that change.However, one just can't help but feel there is a new chance to have a fresh start in whatever areas one wants to work on or aim to achieve in another new year. For some,it's time to just forget what the previous year was all about and just move on and forward from it. Be it a good one or a bad one.

For me,2014 was not really a good year for me compared to other years that I've been living ( and to be able to evaluate,judge and compare from ) . The low times were really low and the high points were indeed high. I had to go through issues from almost every department in my life ( family, friends, love life, studies,etc) . But it's also a year that I felt truly blessed for being able to win a lot of contests. It also made me realized that I really have a bunch of good friends and of course family which formed a strong support system for me to get over things whenever I am down. I really appreciated and find it amusing looking at all of them trying their best in comforting me. I know for some that saying or doing things to comfort someone is not their forte. So,I really appreciate all the effort that they took for me.

Looking at it from another perspective, 2014 was a year where I was thrown into the challenge of taking a bigger leap than ever to mature my thoughts,character and personality to be a more mature person.It helped me figure out and try to aim as to what are my further aims and goals in life and who I want to be in the future.I also learnt how to manage my emotions and try to be a stronger person mentally and not be overtly sensitive on certain things. I don't know if you ever saw through me, but I care about how people perceive me a lot. That might result in some people as seeing me as a ' goody goody two shoes' or a person who maybe is always eager to please someone (?) .But let me tell you that I feel it's not that bad compared to last time. I am trying to work out on my pride and stuff which on many occasions had led me to do foolish stuff.

I also had the interesting opportunity to deal with super awkward situations that it made me think could there ever be a more awkward situation than what I've experienced so far? This year brought the level of awkward-facing-situation to a whole new level for me. As some ( or many) of you know,I decided to work while studying for my CLP this time around. One my first day of work,I had a 'buddy' lunch with a fellow associate on the same practice group I am assigned too. I def have a lot to learn from my team mate.Am trying to be more confident to put myself out there and less shy and more sociable!

To be honest,I was caught by surprised as to how my 'buddy' look like in a very good way. *winks* hhahahahaa. And I had the most awkward lunch ever.I can't really get you to imagine them or put it in words very much myself.One must really go through it themselves to understand how it feels like.The second awkward situation award would go tot he Christmas party office dinner that I attended.Thank god,I had a partner with me. ( we are the 2 newbies in this newly created team in the firm) So,at least I was not there alone.

I am getting to know,observe and learn so many things at the workplace that it makes me want to further improve myself in so many areas. I am so in awed of how some of my colleagues are just so friendly and sociable compared to me,who takes time to warm to people ( not a plus point at all) and can be socially awkward at times,and blur. Also,the associates that I met are all so articulate that I wish I was 1/4 as eloquent as them. Their level of vocabulary knowledge and level of articulacy is just so good that it makes me feel that I am still very much lacking and need to work on them,especially my confidence level in speaking eloquently and what not. So,yes I guess in a way one of my resolution for 2015 is to improve myself in this area.

Work hasn't really pick up so far. I think partly it's because I joined at a time where the holidays are near and everyone's on holiday and hence,everyone's pretty much on a holiday mood (which includes the clients as well). I am looking forward on how things will go from here. I will try to approach all things, good and bad with as much zest as possible ! What doesn't kill you,only makes you stronger and wanna kill the thing that you thought could kill you right? hahahaha.

Here's to another new fresh year where everything is always possible to begin or continue on . Wishing everyone a happy and healthy year ahead of them.

Quoting Tablo : I pray that  2015 is a perfect year for everyone.  

Also a poem from Lang Leav :

A TOAST!
 To new beginnings in fear & faith & all it tinges.
To love is a dare, when hope & despair are gates upon its hinges.

Happy 2015 everyone !

-with lots of love,peace out-

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Some favorites quotes as of late

Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
After that fear has no power,
And the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes,
You are free.
-Jim Morrison.-

A crisis becomes a chance,scars become armor
No one can break it,I guard my heart, do you see that?
Even if I'm lost in the maze called Despair,
I trust myself in the split road called Chance
I need to stand up,what doesn't kill me makes me stronger
I'm an expert on turning the tables and winning
 -Lyrics from the song Iron Girl by Hat : felt-

What the world gives you more than you bargained for,
You usually ended up glad you got it. -Grey's Anatomy S11

Not everyone has a sob story,Charlie,
and even if they do,
it's no excuse
-The perks of being a wallflower.

Her heart did whisper
He had done it for her
-Jane Austen : Pride and Prejudice-

If two people are meant to be together,
going after your dream is not going to change that
-The lost girls-

Where would we be without tomorrows?
What we'd have instead would be todays.
And if that was the case,with you,I'd hope for the longest dat for today.
I'd fill today with you,doing everything I've ever loved.
I'd laugh,I'd talk/I'd listen and learn,I'd love,I'd love,I'd love.
I'd make every day today and spend them all with you,and I'd never worry about tomorrow,when I wouldn't be with you.
And when that dreaded tomorrow comes for us,please know that I didnt want to leave you,or be left behind,
That every single moment spent with you were the best times in my life.
-Cecelia Ahern : How to Fall In Love-

Sometimes you can know something and not know it at the same time.
It was a moment and moments change.
She would have to live through the moment to get to the next.

Life is a series of moments and moments are always changing.
Just like thoughts,positive and negative.
-Cecelia Ahern: How to fall in love-

Recent Highlights!

I think I broke the record this year by attending only 1 concert this year. That's right,you read it correctly. ONE. And so I was just wishing to at least be able to attend one more before the year end. And my wish came true in a way I guess. I won passes to watch Yuna's showcase organized by E! News and Astro. And with that I may appear on tv and also won her postcards and a ukelele! Hhahahaha. It's certainly something different. Went to watch the showcase with Ms.Sweet and her friends. ( cant find anyone in my social circle who's interested enough/free to attend it sadly.) It was an interesting experience attending the showcase. She sang Deeper Conversations ( my all time fav song from her ) and Mountains ( my recent fav) . I was hoping for her to sing Lights and Camera, but she didn't. But it's all good. It was a very chilled and intimate vibe at the showcase as the venue was small and the songs are all more towards acoustic. Went to Ms.Sweet's place to stay the night. I definitely had a good time.

Also, I attended my first book signing !  ( not me signing, but me attending to get a copy of a book I bought signed ). I just recently discovered and am loving reading poetry. And a one that's been gaining a lot of good reviews in my timeline that is , is Lang Leav ! Managed to get hold of her first book - Love and Misadventure at a really really good buy. ( poetry books are seriously very expensive,sadly ) . And when I heard that she's coming down for a meet and greet session in KL, I had to go. It was such an interesting day for me. I attended the event alone. And I get to see and meet people who share the same interest in me.- Reading, like publicly for the first time (?)  It's such a different atmosphere from the events where I go and meet artists who are like international celebs cause everyone's in this frenzy and stuff. It's just 2 opposite vibes.

I get to know a person or two for that hour or so and just randomly chatted with them. And it's also official that I go all awkward whenever I meet a person I am in awe/ admire/ like a lot . My mind just go all empty and I go all stiff and awkward in expressing myself as to try to come up with something intelligent to say, to which I usually fail. hahahahaha.

Also, managed to finally meet up with Ah Yee to just chill and catch up on stuffs and celebrate her birthday! We did not have a proper sit down to chat and stuff since July. I know. I am a bad friend. But we manage to catch up and stuff on the last day of November and had a really good time.

Ooh,also, I've been busy applying for jobs - be it a clerk , paralegal or an attachment. And I finally landed a job at a firm which I didn't expect to be in! The ' urghhhh, shit shit shit' moment I felt after an interview session with the firm ( I had to go through 2 of them! ) and the nerve wrecking wait on whether I am good and a uitable match for their firm or also for other interviews, was nerve wrecking ! I can be a very impatient person when it comes to knowing things like these at times, it almost drove me mad. ( i think I made it to the obsession level and was bordering on the insanity level ) , it's no joke. All in all, I get to learn so much from this process. And I am so thankful that finally someone thinks I am worthy. Hahahaha.

This is definitely a new challenge that I've yet to experience in my life. Getting a first serious,proper job on my own, going through exams this time around without my close friends . I feel like it's finally here. I am in this thing all by myself this time around. It's something I've never gone through in my life before. ( yes,I do live a sheltered life in a way I guess.)  I'm scared and nervous like shit. But at the same time excited and am up to take up this challenge! May all the force in the universe be with me now!

-with lots of love, peace out-

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Late post : 1



''Needless to say I love the subway. I glean all my characters from my fellow passengers. The same sorts of things which attracted me to Missed Connections, I find on the train: subtle interactions, eccentricity, beauty, sorrow, secrets, kindness, generosity, excellent hairdos. Every sort of person imaginable and unimaginable. '' Sophie Blackall --Missed Connections

A feeling

A feeling of sadness that it's sad I've come to know a person that sparks my interest enough that I want to know more of.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I feel we can have something more.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I thought things might work out to become something awesome.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that I thought maybe,perhaps, this could be it.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad that the timing's not right,the feelings are not mutual.
A feeling of sadness that it's sad because I feel it's rare ( for now maybe) to come across someone who seems to share a common interest with you on the things you like.

However,
A feeling of uncertainty arises as to who you really are as a person other than the prima facie layer that people usually perceive.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what are your thoughts on the serious things in life.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what are your thoughts,perspective and goals in life.
A feeling of uncertainty as to what you perceive/think of me as a person.

A feeling that I know  that it's not 'i like you ' kind of feeling,
Rather,
A feeling that's more of a mix of being interested and a crush.

It's not much of a feeling of heartbreak,
It's just this feeling of a certain kind of unexplainable sadness.