Sunday, December 27, 2015

Cheers

Here I go again, closing another year off in my life. I would certainly coin this year as a year of change for me. Failed an exam, on a big scale level for the first time in my life, decided to work full on in a law firm this year and the heavens were with me that I got accepted to one of the best law firms out there in KL. Made a thousand new friends and learnt how to socialise in the work force, get to know a ton of interesting and atas people that it made me wonder, are they seriously living their life like that? Like for real?

Became a loner in class this year. Started off feeling so insecure and naked at first, but I slowly grow comfortable as to how there isn't a need to coordinate timing, seating plans and food with people and grew a thick skin in asking random strangers for help. Definitely grew some balls in speaking up and asking lecturers questions. Have also learnt how to be more outspoken and "participative" because sometimes you just gotta shine in order to stand out from the crowd.Not my favourite thing to do as I am more of a low key kinda person, but sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do in a every man for himself world out there.

Sat for my CLP exams with mix feelings, had dreams about the results, good, bad weird, you name it, I kinda almost dreamt it all. Finally got a less than 12 hours heart attacked, vomit inducing notice period that results will be out on 21 October 2015. Had very little sleep and was already on the road to crying 10 mins before the results came out. Cried tears of joy and relief to find out that I got a conditional pass, having to re-sit for the Evidence paper, which later results in a confusion as to why I failed that paper, which later results in an epiphany during revision period for the re-sit of Evidence paper as to why I failed that paper this year.

Felt so awkward and bad when I had to break the news to Aeliaa that I passed and then got to know that it was not the same for her Felt even more weird and bad that I had to go about answering and updating people as to how I did and after that had to give an answer for Aeliaa as well. But i believe  next year will be her year and that she will get qualified soon for this!

Got to experience where I am truly sitting the exam for myself ( which is actually the literal reason that I am doing this for myself and for no one else) , it felt so surreal, attending classes alone, seeking out lecturers' help to have a discussion as to whether my understanding of the law and cases were correct, pushing and motivating myself and going and entering the exam hall all alone. Not really having a partner in crime with me. A lonely but definitely a helpful experience.

Having then to unofficially being able to know about my results in less than 5 minutes notice in my firm's Christmas dinner celebration ( 17 December 2015). I had to take a moment to pray,gather my thoughts, take a deep breath and prepare myself before I hit the send button and the results just appeared at my phone screen. Initial reaction : SCREAM. And then not having sure if it is legit though this was made official on 22 December 2015. On the night of 17 December 2015, my heart, brain and shoulders felt really light as I head home and sleep. Never have I felt so relaxed and chilled while waiting for my results to come out, especially for the CLP exams. Had a moment of panic when I could not access my results on the morning it is released. But all is well once I hi the refresh button a million times later.

Had some crushing news last week.  I did not get an offer for pupillage. I surprised myself by the tears flowing from my eyes and how I felt like bawling about this as I updates my friends about this. I did not know I wanted it so bad. Maybe cause I just assumed that I am getting it and that all was going well, I do not need to figure about new transport and new people to impress in a completely new environment. What I really want. Is this what I really want. My best friend asked, is it cause of the name or the fame that is attached to where I currently am? I asked myself this question, no, it is not it. I guess for the past year, I have grown to like the people whom I work with, accustomed myself to what is required of me to be done at work, how the people here know how I work and I know how they work. I like it here, despite of all it's flaw and my love-hate relationship with it. I know that if I stay and preserve long enough, when I leave it one day, it will bring me to better or greater heights.

I feel I have so much more to learn, prove myself and impress people here. However, it might not be fate for me to impress them as a pupil. It might be elsewhere where I would be able to show my talent and possibly discover what I really want from this all at another place. But where? I do not know for now. And I have another shot of really deciding about this this week, and I will hopefully be able to see on where this is taking me.

I know another this about me is that, i sometimes or most of the times, when it comes to certain areas in my life, I do not like change. I do not feel comfortable in unfamiliar territories. This is a contradiction as to other parts of my life. So, maybe change is a good thing at times. Another thing is that, I like planning or at least have a rough idea as to where I am being taken and throw away at some place to do something. I cannot be impromptu at times. I like doing a little bit of planning, research and some heads up at times. I can be impulsive and this leads to foolish acts and conclusions, but I cannot be impromptu at times. Such contradiction I know, but it happens.

Got to experience great amount of stress and such high speed moving projects up to the point that I was working on every weekends for a month, left office at 2am in the morning, slept at 3-4 am.Had to deal with demanding timeline and not to mention people's emotions, had to try and stay alive after being through into a deep end of a project not knowing head or tail of it, although what was required to be done was not rocket science. It got bad to a point, I was just disappointed that people don't see the hard work that we have tried to put in and I was questioning myself as to why do I need to put myself through this kinda hell and I could just walk away from this all because this is not something that I need right now. But I am glad I survived and that I did not break down.

Also, I get to experience more things that I had experienced in my life. Had the luck of traveling to places alone without my family, had the chance of experiencing clubbing and getting drunk but am still aware as to what the effects of alcohol is doing to me which I cant control. Had been blessed by having friends who took care of me and putting up with me at such annoying times. Learn swimming and managed to overcome my fear with the water though I still panic every now and then and have not mastered it entirely and have yet manage to just relax completely in the water and to really float backwards. And all in all.had been blessed to have a strong support system for me to go through moments of insanity in my life. My uncertainties, insecurities and what not.I did not cry as much as I did to deal with stress this year. I don't know if I got tougher or what. But I guess I gained weigh instead. Which is even more annoying.I did fall sick quite a lot this year and trust me it is not a pleasant thing at all

All in all, there are so much more things to learn, do,make mistakes on and experience that I am looking forward to 2016. I wish that 2015 has been another memorable year, be it good or bad for everyone to take something out of it before closing another year in your life and may this year help you prepare yourself of what you want and expect out of 2016.

cheers, with lots of love, peace out.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Crossroads

i am not the efficient blogger who updates her posts on a regular basis, which means I fail as being one if you follow the literal meaning of what a blogger is. I was in the loo as I was about to start killing my brain cells and I was mapping it out in my mind as to the thoughts that I feel like putting down here in this blog. I was planning on writing a post on my short 48 hours trip to Penang with Ms.Sweet and Ms.Lee. However, being the master of procrastination, you know that I've not done this yet. So that will have to wait to maybe later tonight or somewhere near the next few days I guess.

I was just thinking of how this blog serves as indirectly being an electronic diary to me. i started this blog partly as it was a trend during my days where everyone has a blog and famous bloggers are everywhere.I would just sit in front of my computer the whole days reading posts of the few favourite blogs that i stumbled upon and was so in awe of their writing skills. I feel the same today towards the very minimal blogs that still blogs about stuff that doesnt sound too over-commercialized and have pretty pictures for me to dream and drool over and at the same time it being such a witty blog post. ( yes, you could say that my benchmark for what I would classify as a good blog would be very much high, or not ).

That thought lead me to a quick summary on how my blog is. How I set it out to be. I started off my blog in only documenting the happy moments and thoughts in my life. The concerts, the celebrations, the music,dramas, movies that I fell in love with.The hot guys I declare of as my husbands.I try to record bits and pieces of my life on as much of a daily notice as I can. I was being criticized ( I have too good of a memory at times) as being seem to only ''record the happy moments in life'' which might be an in your face thing for certain sad and depressed people out there or maybe it just brings out the inner green monster in them that how can an individual have so many happy things happen to her, measuring it against their own life. I assure you that was not the intention.

But as one year after another pass, and this blog has not not been deleted, as I sometimes read what I have posted a few years back, I realized that my blogging posts have changed over the years. There has been a period in time, which was a year or two back where I was put through the test of the negative things in life and I could feel that there were a lot of negative posts in here. I blog about things that I was angry and unhappy about. How dissatisfied I was that I was subjected to such ''unlucky'' things while others are others are out there enjoying the lives and getting what they wish for.

This was a place for me to rant all my angers and turn on the self pity mode for myself. Part of the reasons I do them here is also because though this blog is public, I did not disclose on the entire social media that I am in of having own a blog. Only few very close friends of mine knows about this place. I don't know if they have ever enjoyed reading this space here as all it seems to be was about me and how I think the world revolves around me.

But the very basis of why I started this blog maybe the reason why its still being kept here on the internet. i started this blog to document the thoughts and moments where I wanted it to be put down in words so that I could go back and read about it one day, thinking how stupid or emo I was at the time where i was writing it.I was even amazed at my writing skills at times. But, I must say dengan muka tebalnya that there were certain posts that I feel still withstand the test of time and I still stand by some of those thoights and opinion till today.

What made me think of all these things and to churn all those thoughts into so many words are that i remember this blog post that I wrote towards the end of my A-levels or was it during my degree days was that how afraid I felt about not having a vision of how I want my career path to be.How I felt that my peers have a goal set in their head, that they were all sure of what and where they wanted to do after they were finished with being a student  and I felt that I was drowning. Or swimming around like a headless fish.

And I realized over the years, like literally, no one really knows where they are heading. That it's ok to feel that way and that things happen for a reason that will eventually lead you to the path that you wanted all along without you realising it .

Thursday, May 14, 2015

This too shall pass

Here I am. 5 months in 2015. Just started my study leave about 2 weeks in now. The stress as how I felt last year for the exams have not set in (?) yet. I am procrastinating the work I am supposed to do on certain days and am hardworking on the next day. Ah, having conflicting thoughts and emotions.

The feeling of having to do this alone this time around. Alone in the sense that, I go to class alone, I sit and eat alone, I study alone without really getting the chance to ask people how their progress are and getting the chance to rant to people on how my progress are, to rant my worries and concerns to people being in the same boat as me. This is certainly something I have not experience before in my life so far.As what See Wei described to me (as she clearly understands what I am going through right now) : it's like you want to die but you cannot die.

That torturing feeling of having been there done that, that you know all the syllabus when you sit through classes but there are moments where you think to yourself, what the hell is this?! how is it that I cannot for the life remember that I studied this last year? Is this something new? or was it me who was not paying attention in class? how is it that I cannot identify the issue in this question? How is it that I could have identified this issue wrongly in this question? It has been a series of going through these kinda of questions and not to mention feelings mixed in it now.

I really want to get over this and really do not want to go through this feeling again. Seeing people moving on with their life, ( not that I feel unhappy for them) make me realized how much time is wasted. At the same time of course, I feel this is in a way a blessing in disguise. I get to experience another path which I could never embark upon had this never happen ( me failing CLP).

I am very very appreciative and thankful for all the support and prayers I get from people that I know in supporting me, emotionally and physically in encouraging me to get through this.

With that, I shall start tomorrow afresh with serious determination to get through this and embark on another new path! Because as See Wei said, to get through this, realistically,the first step and the only thing you can do to help yourself is to study really hard for this. And that I will do so that i shall have no regrets nor reason to be sad.

-with lots of love,peace out-

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Considerations

I would say that since failing my CLP, and having a rough back up idea on what I would do in the event I failed my CLP, life on a daily basis have been interesting and challenging as when I have time to reflect at the end of the day as to what I've been doing for like the past 10 hours or so,I would ask myself this ques: when was the last time you did something for the first time. And i would find myself answering to this question on the new stuff that I was able to learn or get to know daily. Some of it might seem trivial or like something so basic, that everyone would be assumed to have known them, but for me there are a number of stuffs that I am thankful that I was able to have been exposed to.

I enjoy the work and the people that I work with most of them time. But of course there are down times too. And that day it got to a point where I was questioning myself,I am not even here for a pupillage, why I am putting myself through so much pressure when I still have other stuff that would be more of a priority than the work I am in now.. As in the main aim that I have this year is to pass my CLP. The side goal is to try and gain some experience at the legal industry whilst preparing for my CLP.  This is a hard balance but I choose to pick this road to see how it will go and to challenge myself.

I would say, I learn a lot of things. But maybe its cause I am currently feeling exhausted, fed up and unappreciated in the work I am in now that I feel like quitting as I am worried that I wouldnt have time to fully prepare myself for the exams.I don't want to go through the feeling of looking at my results and seeing that I failed for the second time and I need to go through the whole course syllabus again and not to mention delay my time for another 1 year to be able to qualify to be a lawyer.

I think I have told a lot of people this.I dont mind working hard and being committed to my job. I dont mind being on the borderline of a workaholic. But there is a maximum line to be drawn. I want to still have some chill time. TO be able to go home at the end of the day and watch some shows to unwind. TO be able to have my weekend to just be lazy and not do anything, to be able to meet up with my friends and family. Because I have friends and family and a social life outside my office. I dont wanna lose friends just because of work. So these thoughts came to my mind when I find myself just locking myself in the room over weekends working my ass off. 

I am of course taking my time to consider this properly. But another thought also prop up into my head just now. I remember my brother's advice on my initial dilemma on whether to work and study at the same time. He said well, you can give it a shot, and if you dont like it just quit. Why worry so much.. You are just trying it out. You still have time to build your career. It's not the end of the world. I was amazed by this simple thought when I hear what he has to say about my worries. True. Why be afraid and worry so much about what ifs and what not? As long as at the end of the day I am happy with what I do and have and do not regret the decision I made, it's gold.

We'll see how it goes.May the force be with me.

with lot's of love,peace out

Sunday, February 1, 2015

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Hello from the second month in for 2015. I'm currently living my life in ways I never thought I would and this new experience is very interesting. Work has been challenging,scary and pushing me to go out of my usual comfort zone.I feel the need to constantly improve and challenge myself. Why? I feel I am super blur and inexperience in so many things and some people just look like they really have got their shit together that it makes me feel very inept.

Also,of course I have thoughts like what if they feel that I am so bad that they dont want to confirm me once my probation period is finished? That would be so embarrassing I feel. =( I am learning also that when you dont know something,its better to ask and be humble rather than keep it to yourself and watch yourself die later on when things get really shitty.

Also,on 26.01.15 I set up a small stall for this charity bazaar.It started off with a conversation with the best friend on whether I would be interested in helping her out to sell stuff.And it then escalated to me making the friendship bracelets that I've learnt 2/3 years back and selling them to raise money for charity.At first I was a bit doubtful of this happening as I am afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to even make 10 bracelets. But after trying to spend any free time I have after work making these bracelets, I managed to make about 27 or so and sold almost all of them!!

I seriously never imagine that the first time I decided to learn how to make these bracelets,using a thread (benang) instead of those DMC strings ( as it was expensive and I dont wanna waste them) through youtube that a few years later,I would actually set up a stall ( even for a day) and sell them. Each bracelet were only of one colour and when each of them got sold,I was like, ahhh, I like that bracelet, and now I'm parting with it already.There is one bracelet that i actually made for myself, never really got about wearing it , and I decided to sell it and someone actually wanted to buy it.

There were also praises on how nice it is.I am really really honoured to receive such compliment and never thought that my skills of this would be really appreciated by a stranger.So,to everyone who bought those bracelets, I hope you wear them and get compliments on it too and I hope it is in good condition and that there isnt any part of it that came off after I sold it to you.Really,if it does,in no way do I intend it to happen. And in no way also I am selling it to cheat your money.

A funny experience from this charity event is that I met this indian uncle who apparently kinda can predict what you have been through in your life by feeling the energy/vibe you have around you.So he said that there is this guy whom I like but he turns out to be someone I did not expect him to be.And I was sad about it.Something along that line.TO which a certain someone came in my mind and to which I said,yes.It's kinda true.. But he pushed it too much by asking me,so the relationship was about 2 years,am I right? to which I just shook my head. Then he said : No? 6 months? to which I also just shook my head. Then he asked, so how long was the relationship? 3 months? 1 month? TO which my not so pleased reply to him after being pressed on how did my "relationship" last was : It never started or happened at all. That kinda took that uncle by surprised and he just shut his mouth up.And he said, aww ,now why do you look so sad? to which my reply was : I'm not.I'm just feeling.... tired. ( at which in the inside of my head was : do i need to smile and be all happy about my non-existent relationship or something?)

Also,my partner randomly asked all the new joiners in the firm for lunch last week.Only me and another associate were free that day.It was truly an unexpected and interesting lunch.Also, by working in this firm,I get to see how everyone ( newbies and chambies) try to make sell themselves and make themselves stand out. I learn how to socialise with people and be less awkward. It's a totally new ball game.A truly good experience really.

The CLP exam timetable just came out last Friday.Its happening much later this year than I was expecting it to be.I see it as a blessing in disguise for giving me more time to prepare and ace this exam!!! RAWRR. I need to make it this time around.To not be able to do so will be so heartbreaking and de-motivating really.Not to mention embarrassing and questioning my intelligence to this.

So,that's about it really.Ohh,and the sister left for Poland one the 2nd of January itself.So,I think for the first time,its like I am living my life independently somehow. Especially so as I am staying at her room in KL without her being there!

Let's hope there are better things to come this year!

p/s: I do very often ask myself this question at the end of the day,after work or so : When was the last time you did something for the first time? And you will actually be amazed when you think of the answer to this question. I feel this is a very good and meaningful question to ask yourself at then end of the day to see how have you been living your life so far.I stumbled upon this question when I was reading an interview done with this one photographer whom I like called Christoph Schaller. love his instragram feed and the ay he dresses himself =)  Go ahead,ask yourself this question from time to time too and be amazed with the answer your brain and heart comes out with.

-with lots of love,peace out-

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A toast !

It's the dawn of another new year again people. How are you feeling? Technically, life goes on pretty much the same. It's only the date and year that changed.However, one just can't help but feel there is a new chance to have a fresh start in whatever areas one wants to work on or aim to achieve in another new year. For some,it's time to just forget what the previous year was all about and just move on and forward from it. Be it a good one or a bad one.

For me,2014 was not really a good year for me compared to other years that I've been living ( and to be able to evaluate,judge and compare from ) . The low times were really low and the high points were indeed high. I had to go through issues from almost every department in my life ( family, friends, love life, studies,etc) . But it's also a year that I felt truly blessed for being able to win a lot of contests. It also made me realized that I really have a bunch of good friends and of course family which formed a strong support system for me to get over things whenever I am down. I really appreciated and find it amusing looking at all of them trying their best in comforting me. I know for some that saying or doing things to comfort someone is not their forte. So,I really appreciate all the effort that they took for me.

Looking at it from another perspective, 2014 was a year where I was thrown into the challenge of taking a bigger leap than ever to mature my thoughts,character and personality to be a more mature person.It helped me figure out and try to aim as to what are my further aims and goals in life and who I want to be in the future.I also learnt how to manage my emotions and try to be a stronger person mentally and not be overtly sensitive on certain things. I don't know if you ever saw through me, but I care about how people perceive me a lot. That might result in some people as seeing me as a ' goody goody two shoes' or a person who maybe is always eager to please someone (?) .But let me tell you that I feel it's not that bad compared to last time. I am trying to work out on my pride and stuff which on many occasions had led me to do foolish stuff.

I also had the interesting opportunity to deal with super awkward situations that it made me think could there ever be a more awkward situation than what I've experienced so far? This year brought the level of awkward-facing-situation to a whole new level for me. As some ( or many) of you know,I decided to work while studying for my CLP this time around. One my first day of work,I had a 'buddy' lunch with a fellow associate on the same practice group I am assigned too. I def have a lot to learn from my team mate.Am trying to be more confident to put myself out there and less shy and more sociable!

To be honest,I was caught by surprised as to how my 'buddy' look like in a very good way. *winks* hhahahahaa. And I had the most awkward lunch ever.I can't really get you to imagine them or put it in words very much myself.One must really go through it themselves to understand how it feels like.The second awkward situation award would go tot he Christmas party office dinner that I attended.Thank god,I had a partner with me. ( we are the 2 newbies in this newly created team in the firm) So,at least I was not there alone.

I am getting to know,observe and learn so many things at the workplace that it makes me want to further improve myself in so many areas. I am so in awed of how some of my colleagues are just so friendly and sociable compared to me,who takes time to warm to people ( not a plus point at all) and can be socially awkward at times,and blur. Also,the associates that I met are all so articulate that I wish I was 1/4 as eloquent as them. Their level of vocabulary knowledge and level of articulacy is just so good that it makes me feel that I am still very much lacking and need to work on them,especially my confidence level in speaking eloquently and what not. So,yes I guess in a way one of my resolution for 2015 is to improve myself in this area.

Work hasn't really pick up so far. I think partly it's because I joined at a time where the holidays are near and everyone's on holiday and hence,everyone's pretty much on a holiday mood (which includes the clients as well). I am looking forward on how things will go from here. I will try to approach all things, good and bad with as much zest as possible ! What doesn't kill you,only makes you stronger and wanna kill the thing that you thought could kill you right? hahahaha.

Here's to another new fresh year where everything is always possible to begin or continue on . Wishing everyone a happy and healthy year ahead of them.

Quoting Tablo : I pray that  2015 is a perfect year for everyone.  

Also a poem from Lang Leav :

A TOAST!
 To new beginnings in fear & faith & all it tinges.
To love is a dare, when hope & despair are gates upon its hinges.

Happy 2015 everyone !

-with lots of love,peace out-

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Some favorites quotes as of late

Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
After that fear has no power,
And the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes,
You are free.
-Jim Morrison.-

A crisis becomes a chance,scars become armor
No one can break it,I guard my heart, do you see that?
Even if I'm lost in the maze called Despair,
I trust myself in the split road called Chance
I need to stand up,what doesn't kill me makes me stronger
I'm an expert on turning the tables and winning
 -Lyrics from the song Iron Girl by Hat : felt-

What the world gives you more than you bargained for,
You usually ended up glad you got it. -Grey's Anatomy S11

Not everyone has a sob story,Charlie,
and even if they do,
it's no excuse
-The perks of being a wallflower.

Her heart did whisper
He had done it for her
-Jane Austen : Pride and Prejudice-

If two people are meant to be together,
going after your dream is not going to change that
-The lost girls-

Where would we be without tomorrows?
What we'd have instead would be todays.
And if that was the case,with you,I'd hope for the longest dat for today.
I'd fill today with you,doing everything I've ever loved.
I'd laugh,I'd talk/I'd listen and learn,I'd love,I'd love,I'd love.
I'd make every day today and spend them all with you,and I'd never worry about tomorrow,when I wouldn't be with you.
And when that dreaded tomorrow comes for us,please know that I didnt want to leave you,or be left behind,
That every single moment spent with you were the best times in my life.
-Cecelia Ahern : How to Fall In Love-

Sometimes you can know something and not know it at the same time.
It was a moment and moments change.
She would have to live through the moment to get to the next.

Life is a series of moments and moments are always changing.
Just like thoughts,positive and negative.
-Cecelia Ahern: How to fall in love-