Monday, November 17, 2014

Pride.

Last Saturday was the first class for all CLP resitters revision class.A lot of people didnt turn up.But I do get to see who didn't make it through the exam and will be taking them with me the second time around.Both my homies didnt come to class. And I felt a little bit lonely.I dont mind sitting alone or what not,it's just I get the feeling that I am really really doing this alone this time around.Like the feeling is just different compared to earlier this year where I know at least like me,yik yee,stand and all are 'in this together'. Like I know who to find and talk to from time to time who gets me and is my support system.But this time around,it feels different.I dont know how to explain it,but it just doesnt.Maybe it's something where you need to go through to be able to understand this feeling.

I would be lying if I say I do not care what people think of me when they saw/recognize me and see that I had failed my CLP. I do admit that my pride/ ego was affected.I do care what people think of me.I wonder if they think : OMG,i thought she is a bright student and she failed, or some may think the other way around like Hah,I knew she wouldnt get through it. Yeah,I know I shouldnt give a damn as to what they think of me,but I just can't help myself at times.And I do know that at times ,it is better to be humble than let my pride get the better of me.So yeah,I hope I will be able to swallow / extinguish some of my pride/ego.

I arrived for class early and certain classmates we talking quite loudly and I can't help but hear their conversations.An uncle who decided to take CLP as a 2 year program has started to study full swing - i.e. seriously now already and is telling another girl that she too should do so. The girl responded by saying she is studying almost daily. Hearing this, I thought to myself : "oh shit, I am sooo on a different (and not really in a good way) level with them. I'm still trying to find a job and whatnot. And it seemed like some of them are still doing this full time.And then it just click,on what one of my interviewer mentioned that I am indeed taking a risk on this this time around.

But I have chosen to go down this road.So,I shall do this.I did think at times after I was being rejected after a job interview that what if I dont get a job? should i just give up now? maybe I just am not good enough for this..Should i just stop looking for a job and just focus on my studies? My heart was contemplating over this again,but my mind said : No.You do not give up Jo.You are known on many occasion to just finish something half way because you got impatient and fed up with it.Or sometimes,you are just all talk/dreaming and not action. So,you do not just give up like that.You will see through this to the end.

Also,my friends really gave me the confidence and support me in this,which I am eternally grateful and hence I will get through this.Fingers crossed that I will be able to write some good news here soon!

-with lots of love,peace out-

Psyching myself

I gasped when I saw that my last post was in September.I didnt know it was such a long time again since I wrote here. So what did I do for the past 2 months for me to procrastinate again to write here?

Well in October I went for a trip to Singapore and Malacca with Sweet,Ms.Lee,Arif and Fred.It was a fun trip I would say.A little bit disappointed with the food in Singapore,but other than that,it was fine.One funny moment would be that Ms.Lee and I stayed up to watch Eddie Peng's drama while everyone was already asleep.I cannot tahan whispering due to the many excitement that I wanna express that we sat at the staircase outside of the hostel in order to talk in normal voices and what not.Hah,and for the first time I finished a can of beer by myself with the results of getting rashes over my body and hands the next day.Certainly a new experience. Coming back from the trip and going back to reality,I was busy applying for jobs.

I would say this is my first time doing this as I never really actually applied/went for an interview in a law firm.I am determined to try and gain more experience in the legal world,and hence this time around,I decided to take a risk and work while studying part time for my CLP. I feel it will be a challenging experience but I feel it's something worth while. No matter if the outcome is good or bad,I feel that there is something to be learnt from this.

I have been to about 5 or 6 interviews so far,and must say no one interview is the same. Certain firms asked a lot more questions in order to test what kind of person you are,some are focused more on your results,some are focused more on the previous working experience that you have.and the vibe that each interviewer give is definitely different.It's a truly interesting experience-not just in attending these interview but finding the locations of the law firms.I do filter my application and confine them to places which are near to LRT or KTM stations as it would be much easier to go to work and what not.

I must say initially,I loath selling my emotions and trying to put up a front where I am more energetic (or should I say more enthusiastic than I normally am) in order to make a good impression.Or in order words,I am not a fan of trying to sell myself out there in order to impress the interviewer.But this is sadly an unavoidable process that one must go through in order to get what one wants. I realized though,as I attend more interviews,I am more comfortable in doing so,and I get more confidence too.

After finishing an interview session,I would usually look back on how I did and at certain times,I do wish I could turn back time just so I could give a better answer.At certain times,better answer just pop into my head after I am done with the interview session. But I try to make a mental note of it in order for me to be more prepared for future interviews.I also tend to doubt if the answer that I gave were weak and due to that,I was not hired because of that one weak answer. *sigh* I guess sometimes,being too safe of a person or its because after I failed my exam that I cant help but try to analyze and identify things on where did I go wrong.

I still am in  the process and hopes of being employed.There is a firm which I have my eye on and even though the job scope to it sounds hard/foreign/stressful and I cant help but thing at the first time it was explained to me " what the hell did I just get myself into" , another part of me tells myself, 'hey,its ok.Take it as a challenge.You dont know much about it,you learn from it.Stress is something which will eventually happen now or in the future in your line of job. And it exists in every workplace.SO do not run away and face it!'' I guess a part of me doubts myself on whether or not I am able to carry out the job properly and at the same time there is a feat of  ' what if I fuck up?'and thoughts about the prefect incident during secondary school flashed by in my mind.Another part of me do assure myself that hey,since you experienced it before,you know what to do and try not to let the same thing happen to you again.AND running away from it and not facing/ conquering your fears is only delaying it and not solving anything at all if I want to move forward in life.

Yes,all this is easier written down than to actually facing it in real.But I believe I am mentally strong to be able to get through this and what doesnt kill me will make me a stronger and better person. So fingers crossed that I will hear some good news soon and will be able to get rid/face/conquer my worries and fears.


-with lots of love,peaceout-

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The fear I feared

its been 5 days now since I accepted the fact that I failed my CLP. I'm truly grateful ( and could not help but feel amused at times) at everyone who tried to cheer me up.I was amused as some of them were awkward or not good at things like that but I can see that despite that they still try and make an effort to make me laugh and not be so closed minded about seeing failure as a bad thing. So for that I am truly thankful and appreciate everyone who comforted it.

After seeing the results and after my brain has processed the fact that I did not pass the exam ( failed 2/5 papers BUT i gotta re sit ALL 5 now ) .. My initial reaction was just to stare at the computer screen. It took me for a while to cry. And I cried a little for the first time,it somehow felt that I have not fully released all the shock and sadness that  had happened.

And so,for almost the whole day ( say from 10am-5pm or so) I've been crying on and off with the help of Grey's Anatomy.. Prior to the day result came out,i downloaded this old movie called I Am Sam. As this was one of the saddest movie I've ever seen in my memory. And so I decided to watch it at night to fully complete my grieving process. TO me surprise,I didn't cry that much. I cried like crazy when I watched Grey's and some sad korean movies and what not.. But somehow,I didnt cry as much as I thought I would when I watched I Am Sam after 10 years or so since I first watched it. So yeah.

After the fact had kinda sunk into me,I tell myself that I am only gonna grief and wallow in the pits of self pity for 24 hours and that I did... I felt better the next day though the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was : Dude, you failed CLP . And the there's the slow realization that I gotta study and memorize everything again. Though this maybe easier this time around,but still the dread of having to see all those books again.. *sigh*

You may think that I am an arrogant bitch here,but I've never really experienced failure like this before.So,my honest feelings of this is that I feel humiliated. And I can't help compare with some other people who also sat for the  exams. Thoughts like " I surely attend a lot more classes and work harder than they did,etc' came to my mind... And also I felt that I disappointed my parents and my family in a way though they told me it's ok.. But maybe deep down, the one that I've disappointed the most is myself.. I do have high expectations for myself because I know I am my own worst enemy.

I am feeling fine now really.But to be honest,there is an occasional feeling of bitterness and emoness you know.And this quote came to my mind :

        '' You never get over it.But you get to where it doesn't bother you so much'' Jeffery Eugenides,The Virgin Suicides

p/s : i dont know about heartbreak,but failing something that you want and hope so bad sucks big time and i can't help thinking to myself in between tears,that whoever said heartbreak may seem that your world and everything comes crashing down clearly have not experience failing to get something they desire to achieve. ( but this may just be for me. hah!)

p/p/s: please note that some days i might be all fine and happy and some days i maybe just a super emo person.

-with lots of love,peace out.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

i need a moment.

helo again.. i actually have some posts which i intent to post before this,but decided that i wanna edit some of it. So i shalll just give a current updates of what's happening now first.

THE BIGGEST CONCERN AND THING THAT I AM STRESSED OUT FOR THE PAST 9 MONTHS OR SO (IN A WAY) HAS COME TO AN END . i failed my CLP. Yeah. I'm in shock. Not to say that I'm confident that I'll pass.But truth be told, there is a slight flicker of hope you know.(?)

Results came out about an hour ago.I didnt know that I could check my personal result already, I thought one can only check by viewing the list of person who has passed the exam and so i checked the list first. My heart dropped when i did not see my name there while i saw the names of my friends there. Looks like the fear that i feared came true.

To be honest,I'm not utterly sad over the fact that i failed,I dont know.There's so much mixture of emotions now that i feel numb with the occasional involuntary flow of tears.Though, I mean I did honestly prepare myself for that as in I didnt know what to expect the night before the results were out.But its just that,now when reality hits,I think about the people I've disappointed and that the fear I've feared before.-facing people.

It's been a long time since I've experienced this kinda of failure not that I am fond of experiencing it nor do I always experience it.How do i put it,I guess this is one of the lowest point in my life that I've experienced so far,you know?

I know there is no one to be blamed but for myself. I let my nerves overtake me during the exams,and i forgot a lot of things,I studied hard but maybe not smart enough. The slow realization that I have to study all 5 subjects again and the fear of what if I dont pass the second time around is slowly creeping into my mind and makes me feel terrified and this sudden grip of fear and panic takes over my heart. I think I am thinking too many thing at once now.


But,I know this is not the end.I will not give up.This is just a slight diversion of plan A,and I will proceed with a plan B. I need sometime to reorganize my though and give myself a moment to grief and self pity myself.And then I need to get back on my feet again though I know that from time to time,I will emo and go back to self pity mode,please bear with me if i do so people,and if i'm going overboard,please feel free to put me back in my place.

I am thankful and very grateful for all the support and help that was given to be through the course and hence I will not give up and try to stay strong and preserve on.
-with lots of love,peace out0


































































































Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Suffocation as if time's running out

Longing for a trip or to attend a concert.But sometimes we just don't get what we want right? I dont know.

Just woke up feeling suffocted with boredom and an urge to travel etcetera.


Friday, July 18, 2014

Current thoughts

Can I just buy a plane ticket and go to the places I wanna go? Why? Because it seems everyone has their own timing and its at times so hard to match up with each other,and i somewhat feel a mixture of impatientness and feeling that time is running out for me? *sigh*

I am trying hard but its hard to accept that everything dont go as how you dream and want in life at times.  ( minus the fact that you are trying and the realization that everything is easier said than done) but i just gave this pent up (?) frustration,longing, and enviness of watching people being able to just get out and escape at times making it seems that they are doing so without giving much thought and worry about it.

I'm thinking about the life i want and figuring out ways to achieve them.Cant help thinking about what ifs and will people thinking i am too childish in my thoughts  or that i am too much of  a dreamer or just a foolish,selfish person?  Or am i just angry and frustrated with myself? For not making things happen? maybe i am. Maybe thats what my inner self iis telling myself.

know i should take things one step at a time,but its just,i dont know..urghhh,i need to reorganize my thoughts i guess. i guess i should take up an advice a person gave me that when he has troubles,he just goes to bed and sleep and try not to think too much of it.

I dont know.late night emoness when you have PMS sucks big time. Especially me who gets very very moody when its that time of the month for me.

-peace out-
I am finally done with exams.Just like that,9 months have passed by just like that.How did I do in my exams this time around? To be very honest,I  not sure.I dont think I did well. i dont know if it was the nerves and stress or i just did not prepare myself enough. At the end of my final paper,I just tell myself that I know I could have done better. that's all that i could think of.

So i am preparing myself for the very worst and another alternative.
So fogers crossed that i dont have to choose the alternative road for after fonishing my exams,to have to go through it all over again-the workload,the stress,the embarrassement,the disappoient and frustration is just plain torture. so,may the force be with me.

Other than that,happy holidays everyone!

-with lots of love,peace out-